9/11 Pantoum

The danger of memory is that it never dies.

I was ten and still remember America’s shocked face,

And the smoke and the ash covered the skies

On the day the towers fell from grace.

I was ten and still remember America’s shocked face,

And for a time the rain meant what the poets said,

On the day the towers fell from grace

And war and dissension wed.

And for a time the rain meant what the poets said—

Complacent ash falls ghostly, thickly gray,

And war and dissension wed.

And spectral figures loom in the smoke of dead Pompey.

Complacent ash falls ghostly, thickly gray—

Obscuring the memory of the past ten years

And spectral figures loom in the ruins of dead Pompey:

The mournful strings behind the keening of our tears.

Obscured the memory of the past ten years—

And this land has written on the wall:

The mournful strings behind the keening of our tears

Still cry defiance. Hell was paid; there was no fall.

And this land has written on the wall,

And the smoke and the ash that covered the skies

Still cries defiance. Hell was paid; there was no fall:

Because the danger of memory is that it never dies.

The Logic of the Bible: Creation

After twenty years, I think I'm finally beginning to get the silvery outline of the supra-rational logic of the Bible in my mind.

On the one hand, it's very exciting to know that twenty years (nine of which, I've lived consciously Christian; meaning, I know I'm under grace :) ) still isn't enough to comprehend the Word of God. Which is exactly as it should be; there's a reason why people don't worship something they totally understand. 

On the other hand, it's awe-inspiring. I love the order God has set up in the world.

I started to see it several months ago, during a philosophy class. I don't remember who we were studying, but the general gist of what we were discussing was (I think) whether it was possible for God to do something wrong. If not, we couldn't say that He could do anything; if He could do something wrong then He wouldn't be a perfect and holy God then. Of course, theodicy quite rightly was brought up.

The revelation I got was that God created the world.


Some revelation, hunh? Something I've had driven into me only since before I can remember.


But...I don't think it was ex nihilo. Or at least, out of nothing has a more limited meaning than I ascribed to it. I think creation is more properly thought of as out of God. 


Creation stemmed from the nature of God. 


An issue I suppose I have to face is how to define nothing. No thing. The absence of anything -- material and immaterial, I suppose. Physically, that makes sense. God needed no physical thing to create the world. Hence ex nihilo. 


But God couldn't have created the world without creativity, which implies an ability TO create, which implies an active mind and nature. In order to be created, the world NEEDS God (and of course, this is assuming Genesis). Even if before Creation, the world could somehow have existed as a nebulous floating idea (which is Platonic, perhaps, but rather unfeasible), there would have been no way to pull it into reality without the mediation of Christ.


As I believe God is sovereign, I think He did much more than just pulling it into reality. I believe HE CREATED IT. 


I have no idea how to explain what I mean, so I'm going to revert to Tolkien. In "Tree and Leaf" he wrote this:
"Man, Sub-creator, the refracted light 
through whom is splintered from a single White 
to many hues, and endlessly combined 
in living shapes that move from mind to mind. 
Though all the crannies of the world we filled 
with Elves and Goblins, though we dared to build 
Gods and their houses out of dark and light, 
and sowed the seed of dragons, 'twas our right 
(used or misused). The right has not decayed. 
We make still by the law in which we're made." 


He calls man a Sub-creator, through whom the characteristics of God are separated through the prism of mankind and combined again in different threads, shapes, forms, colors to create "new" things, but within the framework/structure of "the law in which we're made." That law is God's nature, out of which we and the whole world were created.


So when David in Psalm 68 asks the many-peaked mountain of Bashan why it fumes with envy, or when God asks Job in Job 38 if the rain has a father and who has put wisdom in the mind, when Jesus didn't quiet His followers from glorifying Him because the stones would cry out---it makes sense. 


I'm not suggesting some nebulous pantheistic idea here, note. All the world is NOT God (heavens to Betsy, if it was! Why put God in a box, even a very pretty one!). But how much more wonderful is the world when one looks outside and sees why the sun must rest on the trees as a benediction, and why the wind in the leaves sounds the happiness to the peace of the waves on the lake! They can't help it - they were made by a perfect God - "For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God." (I had to get to Romans at some point :D)


As breathtaking as that is, though, it still doesn't approach human limitations of logic. God created the world and, yeah, creating it out of Himself is jaw-dropping...But, it's not a perfect world.


Achingly true, that.

to be continued.

Well, I've caught up with the times?

I went to the library after work yesterday to chat with Mrs. Pensgard and get some books to read, and they're lurking in the back of my mind calling my name. I started one last night that I suppose I shall have to finish, although I don't really want to. It's the last Harry Potter. I started reading the series summer before last, I think, and I'm finally down to the last one. Boring, mediocre series -- I don't see what all the fuss is about.

There is a clear enough demarcation between good and bad; Christians don't have to be worried about that. I forget where I read it, but someone had said that what was bad about it is that it taught kids that matter can be changed by magic. So what? What're the philosophical implications of that? In fact, I think that can even be a good perception to have - depending on one's understanding of magic. Three or four hundred years ago, the breakthroughs science has reached today would seem to be magic - would CHANGE MATTER. If people didn't think that matter could serve a purpose to create something different or something previous generations hadn't imagined, isn't that a bad thing? Take it a step further: what about creation ex nihilo? Or even make it personal: when we cook or bake, aren't we changing the molecular structure of food? That's one of my favorite things about baking - that grainy-looking goop turns into delicious things with totally different color, texture, smell, taste, etc.

Haha, I was supposed to be explaining why it's mediocre. I think it fails as good fantasy because it doesn't have something transcendent it is fighting for. Let me explain. Harry is fighting Voldemort not primarily because Voldemort is bad, but because Voldemort killed his parents and wants to kill him. Perhaps that's a minor quibble, but I'm not convinced that, had Harry's parents not died, Harry would still have gone on the quest for the Horcruxes (which Rowling took an unforgivably long time to get to, anyway) with the same sort of passion. That is, if anyone can call his bratty tragic-hero-with-an-inflated-ego-bigger-than-God's-complex a proper drive to pursue the good. Granted, that could still change before I finish book 7 (I'm 450 pages in) but considering how massive the series is, it'd be incredibly difficult to do without pulling some incredible miracle out of Voldemort's nonexistent nose.

When I think of fantasy, I think of pursuing a transcendent good. That's why I love Lord of the Rings so very much - there are men of high values like courage, integrity, honor, loyalty and love, who have an appreciation for the old fading or forgotten beauty - who have saudade; who fight for the sake of conquering evil, for the sake of gaining freedom, for the sake of being free from fear, free to love, free to live life with joy and happiness. Stories like that inspire people to pursue transcendent things. Harry Potter, despite the magic, is mundane. It doesn't have overarching themes that pull the reader in and make him part of the story (well, I guess I shouldn't generalize like that. It certainly does not pull me in, at any rate.) I don't see virtues I want to emulate in Harry Potter; in fact, reading Harry Potter makes me very happy I have a mother who is blunt in telling me what's wrong with me (basically, being willing to slap me upside the head when I start pulling out angsty-ness like dear old Harry's.) It's a book written for the modern conception of teenagers, the ones who want excitement without being challenged to shape up.

That's not to say Rowling doesn't try - she pulls that whole love thing from Dumbledore in book 5 or 6, I can't remember which. There's the whole fairness to the Muggles thing as well. But how well are these pulled off? Harry the Hero is so thickheaded he doesn't understand the overwhelming love and loyalty Ron and Hermione show him in coming with him, AND he's stupid enough to push them away when he needs them the most? (cf: Ron leaving in book 7.) How could Harry allow Ron and Hermione to walk into danger with him but let Ginny stay? (Though of course she, like a good little Potterling, carries on the resistance at the home front.) Harry is so wrapped up in his own heroism and his own sufferings it IS a wonder he manages to get that far. I'm with Snape on Harry's character. And certainly, without Ron and Hermione Harry would've failed a long time ago. And about the Muggles - Hermione wipes her own parents minds, "out of love." In my humble opinion, that makes Muggles look as stupid as Voldemort thinks they are. Are there any Muggles in the story arc that are given the spotlight as good people worth saving?? Not even the woman Harry and the others save, in Book 7, looks worth saving. Rowling gives readers no reason to really pity the Muggles and want Harry to save them.

Final opinion: mediocre. Three stars. Would have been four stars if the series had been three books instead of seven. Humph.

ADDENDUM: Also, now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder if I'm not wrong in saying that I don't see why Christians make such a fuss about it. I suppose, in a sense, Harry Potter is radically opposed to Christianity. In Harry Potter, the hero of the world is an arrogant little kid with a hero complex and a lot of issues. He's extremely human, in the vulnerable imperfect sense of the word. And as a Christian, I'm used to thinking of humankind in that sense. Not that we're irredeemable, but it took a proper hero - a perfect one - to save the world. Jesus was perfect; a perfect sacrifice to offer salvation. I AM used to superhuman superheroes. Harry is very ordinary with all sorts of faults. Actually, I think that IS his weakness! Why should he save the world when there are so many better qualified than he? (Ahem, for example, Hermione! The Weasely twins! Professor McGonagall!)

This post makes me laugh. It's right on the edge of ranting and raving :P. I think next time I shall have to talk about Ayn Rand.

Poetry!

It has been a terribly long time, but honestly I have no time to blog with all the school papers :). I'm loving college, even when I have to snatch time away to write poetry that bubble up out of nowhere. Here are some of the pieces I've written - I'd love your feedback!!

"Old Devil Rain"

Sigh.
Step outside and blow a raspberry
under my umbrella.
Trudge all the way to Founders'
and shake myself like a dog because
my umbrella's too cheap.
Sit in class, miffed at needing artificial light at 12:20 PM.
Class over. Outside, and sigh again.
No.
STOP.
Huff another sigh, and close my umbrella.
"Look here, you!" Fist shaking at the sky.
"You're dismal and depressing and make me miserable.
You got the better of me this time and you will again
BUT
not for long because
God is coming soon and all depressing things shall be banished--
Although I wouldn't mind a kind, gentlemanly rain just for those who like it, poor things.
There.
Take that,
Old Devin Rain!

On Watching the Snow

What does it mean to watch the snow
Slowly falling, slowly go
Across the window, throughout the day
Over the hills and far away?
What does it mean to watch a man
Forging ahead through peltering snow
On the through the valley, on through the way
Thinking of home all through the day?
What does it mean when home he has come
Home from his working, home to the sum;
Life is not wanting in measure or span
But isn’t complete without God the I AM.

my senior address

For the last four years, our lives have been mainly schoolwork, preparation for the adult life on the horizon. Time has wrought a change in us; nothing is the same as it was in elementary school. As my classmate Caleb told me, “Pick something and it has not been that way before!” And yet, amidst all the swirling mists of change there’s something looming solidly in the background, something that wasn’t there when we first began high school. Something that we saw in our parents but not in us, not until recently. It is the knowledge of God, the steady realization that He is here with us, He is our rock, our friend, and more than anything it has become a passion with us to glorify Him.

As 1 Corinthians puts it, “Therefore, whether you eat or you drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” My parents had drummed that verse into me and it had the desired effect; I know that, frankly, I am human and only human. But in a lot of ways, that freed me, especially when I began attending junior college in my junior year. Faced with a collective worldview so wildly different than the Christian one, I began to understand what it means to truly glorify God and how important it is to do so. To begin with, the Bible tells us we are supposed to, in Romans 15: 6. “that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” We actually have reasons to want to worship him. For me, the knowledge that someone who is absolutely perfect purified my imperfections by dying for me leaves me shaken. As Job’s friend Zophar asks, “Can you search out the deep things of God? Can you find out the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than heaven -- what can you do? Deeper than Sheol -- what can you know?” And though the question was wrongly put, it still rings true. I flatter myself that as one fond of literature I’ve encountered some of the heights and depths humanity can reach and yet, not a single one of my favorite characters can aspire to such depths as that!

As Elizabeth Browning asks, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” We want to glorify God to the best of our abilities, but our abilities are still only just beginning to develop - thanks to our education and our godly parents. Our Biblical foundations have been formed, our passions, talents, ideals have formed and we’re learning to apply them to our own lives. Now is a time of making connections, of understanding consequences, of seeing the bigger picture…and our place in it. Our experiences in high school have helped to give us a goal - though some of us are still seeking God’s direction, others of us are hoping to be arborists, prosecutors, and professors. Education has shown us how best we can glorify God; it’s shown us how God is alive, is real.

My favorite author and apologist Dorothy L. Sayers wrote an essay called The Lost Tools of Learning, in which she neatly summed up the purpose of education: “The sole true end of education is simply this: to teach men how to learn for themselves; and whatever instruction fails to do this is effort spent in vain.” To learn for themselves - not to be spoon-fed information like so many fledglings in a nest. To learn to discern between fact and fiction -- fact and opinion -- meaning and connotation -- between, substantially, right and wrong. And once we know something to be right or wrong it is our duty to uphold it. “Therefore to him that knows to do good, and does it not, to him it is sin.” James 4:17. Our education has forced us to grow mentally and spiritually, and having a Biblical perspective on the things we learned has shown us the difference between being in the world and not of the world. Hence, the necessity of loving God has become so much nearer to our hearts. In the end, the passing of knowledge is a function of education; the fundamental love of learning is the purpose of education.

No discussion of education amongst us especially would be complete without mentioning the role Harvest Christian Academy played in guiding our parents. Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Frediani. Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Gowen. Thanks to the countless people who’ve been instrumental in our lives through the years - the grandparents and uncles and aunts, the pastors, mentors, teachers, debate and speech coaches, friends, and finally and most importantly, our parents. Thank you, not just for academics, but for the values, principles, and ideals you’ve bequeathed to us - the splendid Biblical foundation that we stand upon. There had to be someone to teach us how to love learning, and as I grow older I realize more and more how brave my parents are! To brave the storms of public disapproval, to keep us indoors during school hours, to make sure that no opportunity was lost for a bit of learning, not to mention giving up free time and privacy for everything from grubby hugs and sticky kisses to darkly muttered words about the state of the union and the socialistic aspects of government today. Dads, Moms, a thousand thanks from each of us to all of you. Your love, wisdom, and guidance have been much appreciated, even though we don’t always show it! Jessica in particular wants to say “thank you for taking on my education at home, for being patient and loving through all the various seasons over the past four years, but especially over my entire 18 years.” Well said!

Now, we ask for something else. By God’s grace, you’ve prepared our minds for action. You’ve set us on the right road. “The heavens declare the glory of God,” says Psalms 19, but if one only begins to dig (as education has taught us to do) they don’t only declare but shout the glory of God. The growing part He’s had in our lives as we’ve begun maturing has highlighted the change in us. We can see how we’ve changed; we’ve gone from ignoring God because He was big and didn’t fit into our plans to finding Him intrinsically necessary. Once upon a time our passions were playing house or cars, but now they’re to live in the service of God. That’s widened our horizons explosively - enough, we dare to think, to begin going out into the world -- to assume responsibility for ourselves -- to dare to stand up for what we believe in, what we know to be right according to the Bible. We stand on the brink of adulthood, at the door of our homes, and see Time standing with giants on his shoulders, waiting for us. He has his orders to let us join the throng of people following him as he marches inexorably on to the horizon God has set for him. Only God can know what we will be in the future, whether we will stand as strong, godly men and women throughout time, but for now we have such dreams - “No one of our age has ever taken power,” said William Wilberforce in Amazing Grace. To which his friend William Pitt replied, “Which is why we're too young to realize certain things are impossible. Which is why we will do them anyway.” We are indeed young, but God is yet working in us. Maybe we‘ll never stand above the rest of the people, but God has given us talents and passions, and at the least we promise to use those for His glory!

I stand amid the dust of mounded years.

There are days when I’m just bubbling over with hope and excitement for the future. Days when there’s a peacefulness in my smile, when there’s a look in my eyes that I can see in the mirror. “God’s in His Heaven, All’s right with the world!” -- when I first memorized that poem for school I thought that was an inane poem and all that it merited was a huge “duh!” But as the years have passed it’s come up more and more in my thoughts until I realized that it expressed the type of hope and joy that only God can give.

I can’t describe what it’s like to feel the love of God. To know that you’re nowhere near the perfection God asks for and yet to know that you’re His, that Jesus died for YOU, and that despite all the pain I’ve caused Him He loves me. HE LOVES ME. One cannot taste of God’s love and turn back to unbelief; there is truly “no turning back.”

Today’s one of those days, and it’s an important one to me because it’s strengthened my faith. Yesterday I got the needs-based scholarship offer from PHC, and, well, it’s not enough. As it stands right now, my parents can’t afford it, and both my parents and I firmly refuse to go into debt to pay it off. It doesn’t seem like everything’s settled yet, though - I was told they really want me and there’s stuff going on behind the scenes but altogether the scholarships will pay only 47% of tuition when there’s a max of 80%. And there are a couple of different payment prices listed so we’re not sure which one they’re going off of. So whereas it was “yes until we get the final cost” it’s now “no until we get the final cost.”Sure I’m disappointed, but I haven’t lost hope. As K was singing to me yesterday, “My God is so BIG, so strong and so mighty there’s nothing my God cannot do…FOR YOU!” And although it seems like God is closing the door to Patrick Henry College I’m still excited for the future. Because if it’s not PHC it’ll be something better for me, at least in the long run, and frankly Patrick Henry would be pretty hard to beat.

So much can happen to this crazy world of ours in our future. Everything’s changing but I have the privilege of a firm foundation. I know Whom I have believed, and goodness but that’s goosebump-worthy. Nothing can harm me…I am His, and the world cannot stand against God…Then even Death must be a gentleman.

I say let change come. Let the future stand in its unknown, menacing palace, but let it be wary of those whom God has claimed as His own. We’ll fall and stumble a thousand times, (I know I do) but He promises never to leave or forsake us and that knowledge is enough to strengthen and hearten the weakest Christian. I am not afraid of what the coming years will bring, though I know they will not be easy even if I do go to Patrick Henry. Perhaps especially if I go to PHC. Perhaps God’s plan for me is entirely different than mine is, but so what? Much better the plan of an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, LOVING God than that of a fragile, limited, imperfect young one still only just beginning to know God. It is a house built on rock that I have been given.

I suppose really, this is what it means to be human…and yet, to lean on God. God only grant that I serve Him with everything He’s given me!

So many words to speak that the tongue cannot utter.

I’m in a strange mood today. Piano and rain and poetry would put a person in a reflective, melancholy mood, I suppose.


[quote]A shadowy tumult stirs the dusky air;
Sparkle the delicate dews, the distant snows;
The great deep thrills – for through it everywhere
The breath of Beauty blows.

-AE[/quote]


Then CdnReader’s death. She had friended me (an online friend) shortly before falling ill, and though I had heard that she was ill I didn’t know that it was cancer. I had been looking forward to building up a friendship with her, because the few poems of hers that I’d read pointed to a kind, sincere, genuine woman. And now she’s dead.


[quote] Here sense dissolves, combines to print only
These bitten choirs of stone on water,
To the tumble of old cloth bells,
The cadging of confetti pigeons,
A boatman singing from his long black coffin…

- Lawrence Durrell [/quote]


Throughout the years, death has fascinated many poets and authors. I can understand why. Some see Death as the bogeyman, others as a friend. Hades, it seems, has many faces, and chooses a different one to show every person.


I am not afraid of dying young. Being a Christian puts a different spin on death, but regardless of that, I don’t think that whatever I can or will do will leave a long-lasting mark in the world. So it doesn’t matter – I’ll live and die and be forgotten soon enough, but there are some who should never be forgotten – those whom Time carries on his shoulders, though they are dead. And nearly all the other human beings – all the world – that walk with him on the long path to its hidden end are too busy scrutinizing the dust to look up at the stars.


[quote] I know you: solitary griefs,
Desolate passions, aching hours!
I know you: tremulous beliefs
Agonized hopes, and ashen flowers!”

- Lionel Johnson[/quote]


The world is denied a revolution every time someone with talent dies young – the book I’m finishing up (Modern British Poetry, 1963) has shown me reams of poets I’d never known of – and my favorites were inevitably those who died in WWI. Look:


[quote]Love is a flame: - we have beaconed the world’s night.
A city: - and we have built it, these and I.
An emperor: - we have taught the world to die.

[…]

And to keep loyalties young, I’ll write those names
Golden for ever, eagles, crying flames,
And set them as a banner, that men may know
To dare the generations, burn, and blow
Out on the wind of Time, shining and streaming…

[…]


But the best I’ve known
Stays here, and changes, breaks, grows old, is blown
About the winds of the world, and fades from brains
Of living men, and dies.


-Rupert Brooke[/quote]


Somewhere in the world it’s raining on the graves of the dead – the dead who with courage and love endowed the old battlefields with a dignity that they could not otherwise attain. What a tragedy that the world forgets so quickly – that we look forward to “change” and a “new age” without any reverence, any remembrance for the lovely old beliefs and principles.


[quote]I, too, saw God through mud—
The mud that cracked on cheeks when wretches smiled.
War brought more glory to their eyes than blood,
And gave their laughs more flee than shakes a child.

[…]

I have perceived much beauty
In the hoarse oaths that kept our courage straight;
Heard music in the silentness of duty;
Found peace where shell-storms spouted reddest spate.

[…]

You shall not hear their mirth:
You shall not come to think them well content
By any jest of mine. These men are worth
Your tears: You are not worth their merriment.

-Wilfred Owen[/quote]

I am haunted by ghosts; half-maddened by the memory of things that never were, people I’ve never been. People tell me to “enjoy my youth” but I’ve lived it and I've died. a thousand times, vicariously, in different times, different lands, as different people, and every single one of them still grips me and fills me with ideas…but I’m stuck in this hamburger and hip hop world that refuses to budge in the direction of “progress,” only down a side-road that will end when all of Time does.

And all that we could have been will never be. All that we were set up for – through literature and ideas and principles and courage and music and poetry – will have been the fleeting dreams of my ghosts.

And now where once our fathers played
There lies a ship, for dead a grave.
Whose lives were these? The stormy
Gull above the waters knows
As well as we.

Sitting at the computer, amidst a flurry of pens and notebooks, books with faded spines opened and laying facedown beside me. One in my lap, and the outside world waiting, and frankly my dear I don't care!

A scholar I am, and a scholar I will remain.
I won’t forget.